GBNF, The Finale

The day after my birthday was a Friday, June 28. My boss was out of town and I decided that I would leave work a little early. What's the big deal. I had had an awesome week. Carmon was working nights that day and I wouldn't get to see him if I didn't leave a little early. I was finally pregnant, Jess and I were gonna have babies that were so close together! I had went shopping and got baby clothes and a super soft blanket that were on clearance at Macy's. We had told almost all of our family that we were expecting. I had dropped hints on my Myspace page.

I got home and was just kinda chillin' when the phone rang at 5 o'clock. Unknown caller. Wonder who that is? I was Dr. Carns herself. She was my nightmare. She ruined my wonderful week. She told me that I was miscarrying. That my HCG levels were lower than what they had been and tried to prepare me for what was going to be some of the toughest times I had EVER been through, both physically and emotionally. I try to look on the bright side and am glad that I knew what was coming. I didn't just start bleeding and freak out on my own.

Carmon went ahead and went to work that night, it was too late to try to find someone to cover for him. That night was awful. I cried and cried and cried. We were both so devastated. Why does this happen to good people? It's so unfair. Saturday the physical pain came. My back ached, my stomach cramped. Every time I would go to the bathroom there would be what was supposed to be my precious baby. I don't want to get to gory, but you would wonder if that clot you saw was your baby.

Dr. Carns just told me to take pain meds and to not go to the hospital unless I got to bleeding extremely heavy. We made an appointment for me to come back in on Monday for some more blood work to make sure my levels were falling off like they should. I called my boss Sunday night and told her what had happened. I hadn't been at my job for very long so I hadn't even told her I was pregnant. I took Monday off because I just didn't think I could handle it. I also had to go to the hospital to get a Rhogam shot because of my blood type.

I know how hard it is to lose a baby early on in pregnancy, but I can't imagine losing one later on. Once you feel those first moves, hear the heartbeat, see their cute little body parts only you can make out on the ultrasounds. I feel fortunate to have experienced this miscarriage, there are those who are unable to even conceive. Pregnancy is truly amazing and I know that I am extremely fortunate to have had my precious Camden. There is not a day that goes by that I am not extremely grateful for him and all of the joy he has brought into my life.

I will always wonder what that first baby would have been like. Was it a boy or a girl? Would it look like me or Carmon? Only God knows, and I know he had his reasons for not letting us have that baby. I will never forget it though. It made me stronger, more appreciative. As far as the e-mail updates that I get for my baby that would be 6 months old in a couple weeks, I think I'll keep getting them. Then I'll look at my baby and know how lucky I am.

For another heartbreaking story on learning to live again after losing a baby in uetro, visit I Should Be Folding Laundry. She lost twin boys. Thanks Alaina, now I'm addicted to her blog.